Potty Nanny 911

Potty Nanny 911

What is it about potty training that turns a normally sane mother into an obsessive wreck? For example, I can tell you to within seconds how long it takes to get to the bathroom from every department in Wal-Mart.

The other day the trainee in question and I watched the video “Once Upon a Potty”. Great flick, but I doubt the Academy will be clamoring to give it an Oscar anytime soon. However, it does contain a great, age appropriate anatomy lesson. We’ve had this movie on our shelves since our oldest went through this rite of passage. It didn’t work for him, or the middle child. But the process of potty training can make a Mom believe that the pivotal moment is just one melodious “Potty Song” away. As my son watched in rapt attention I imagined a Juilliard School of Music voice major calling home to tell his parents he finally had work. “How wonderful!” They must have exclaimed. “What is it son?” “The Potty Song” he would reply in a muffled indistinguishable voice. I laughed at the thought of it.

I think one reason potty training is so draining is the emotional highs and lows it sends you on. Yesterday afternoon Logan had been successful in his potty endeavors. To celebrate our whole household had a “Potty parade”. If you haven’t been in a potty parade, well then, you just haven’t lived. The trainee is the leader of course. He is draped with an Olympic style gold medal cast of the finest plastic and easily obtainable in the party supply aisle at Wal-Mart (which is about 32 seconds away from the nearest bathroom, barring any large crowds). Everyone in the household is issued a kazoo. The whole entourage parades up and down the hall chanting, “Yeah for Logan!” and “Logan used the potty”. Ah, yes. This was a great moment of victory in the potty wars.

However, later that night I found Logan had missed the mark and I was swabbing the deck, and the rug etc. etc. etc.

The season for this endeavor is ideal. Because it is summer I can let him run around in hardly anything. However, I know from past experience that if you want to potty train in the winter you had better move to a warmer climate. It’s bad enough when you have 30 seconds tops to find bathroom accommodations, never mind peeling off a snowsuit and a full set of clothes.

I don’t have a lot of enthusiasm about this undertaking. Mostly, I’m just tired. I somehow thought the 3rd child would be a breeze…that somehow I would become a wealth of Potty knowledge. But the only thing I have learned for sure is it takes incredible patience, nerves of steel and an aptitude for cleaning.

I recently saw this show called “SuperNanny”. The premise is that desperate parents with unruly children call a professional Nanny in to help them recapture control. I’m not crazy about some of her techniques. First of all, most of the kids I’ve seen on that show are a little beyond a “naughty chair”. However her ideas about consistency and maintaining a schedule definitely ring true. As I watched her I was thinking there should be a new reality TV show called “Potty Nanny 911”. Desperate, worn out mothers could farm out their little toddlers for a few weeks of Potty Boot Camp. They would return as perfectly trained, hygienic little angels. I’m looking for a producer, director and a star Nanny….any takers?


Kimberly Mihelich