Road Trip

Road Trip


Nothing can send a parent’s mind racing quite like the prospect of a long road trip with young ones in tow. Not only do you need to pack all the extra provisions that childhood requires for your destination, but usually you need a couple duffel bags filled with survival gear for the trip itself.
Lets talk snacks for example. Now juice boxes are great, but you have to be careful not to get the kind with extra sugar in them. There is nothing worse than a toddler, high on sugar, strapped into his carseat reeling from the effects of a sugar high. Typically, since he is strapped down the only thing worth moving is his mouth. Trust me on this one, before you cross the NH border you will be popping Advil and praying for the sweet sounds of your angel snoring.
Before you provide too many liquids you also have to consider the equation. You know the one. Size of child’s bladder x miles= number of stops
Number of juice boxes
Now typically, each stop can add at least 20 minutes to your driving time. Now if everyone would just pee like they’re supposed to, it would not be a problem. However, you have to factor in the time for, “Don’t touch that,” the random meandering up the rest stop path to blow off excess energy, the debate at the vending machines as to why they aren’t having Snickers bars, and the kid disinfection after they have touched things in the public restroom that were not intended for human skin to come into contact with.
There is also the matter of entertainment to be considered. Books are great for awhile, until the kids start to become carsick . That’s a whole other subject that could easily add 30 minutes to your driving time. Books on tape have helped us immensely. We have really enjoyed checking those out of the library before a long trip. However, when their attention is lost to the story you are quickly back to the mundane and nerve-racking work of trying to maintain peace and keep the vehicle moving toward your intended destination. We have played travel games, like Travel Bingo. That is also effective, for a little while. However, eventually a debate like, “NO! You didn’t really see that sign!”, shatters the tranquil busyness of the van like a rock slamming into a window.
Some kids just fall asleep when they get into a car. At first you think, “This is great!” However, when you get to your destination you’re ready to collapse from exhaustion. As you unload the suitcases, and unstrap Junior from his carseat he releases like a boomerang all over the place. This would be fine if you were vacationing in a rubber room. But, if Junior boomerangs himself into Aunt Diane’s Hummel collection or Nanny’s corner cupboard, it does not start off a visit very well.
There is also the matter of squabbling to consider. Now in the 70’s when I grew up we didn’t have carseats, or air conditioning and the windows in the back of Mom’s station wagon only rolled down halfway. The three of us kids would be roly poly situated in the backseat. Our thighs would have 2nd degree burns on the back from the searing genuine Vinyl seats. Somehow we would muster the strength to lift ourselves off the seat to pester our neighbor. To this, of course, the natural response, “Stop Touching Me!” came. I can remember more than once my folks pulling over and drawing imaginary lines down the Nogahide seats. Now we definitely have an advantage, the kids are strapped down. However, it doesn’t mean they don’t try every means at their disposal to irritate their siblings. I have issued more than one empty threat that, “Someone is going to ride in the luggage rack if you kids don’t cut it out!” We know that’s not effective, and we always end up stopping to take care of those problems. However, that always adds about 15 minutes per episode.
So the next time Aunt Mildred, or Cousin Wanda laments to you that you never visit I have a small mathematical formula you can share with them.
It goes something like this:

# Juice boxes x Number of children (20) + Number of fights to break up (15) +
Bladder size

Carsick episodes(30) + Miles to destination = Total driving time
55 MPH