The Virtues of Bag Balm

The Virtues of Bag Balm


My youngest son is a little monkey. He is 2 ½ years old, tall and thin with an impish grin and long eyelashes that could charm the pelt off a hungry wolf. He has always amazed us with his climbing feats. A few months ago he used his agility to perform some delicate scientific research. I wish to share my newfound knowledge with parents all across the Suncook Valley so you may also know the virtues of bag balm.

As he often does, my son woke up before the crack of dawn. As I usually do, I set him up with reading books quietly on his bed so he didn’t disturb the rest of the Mihelich hooligans before Mom has her opportunity to imbibe her first cup of coffee and face another day of running after my boisterous bunch. I jumped into the shower leaving him to peruse “Cat in the Hat” and “Bob the Builder”.

Last fall our son got a “Big Boy room”, minus the crib and changing table. He slumbers proudly in a “Big Boy bed”, and was good not to disturb the diapering shelf which was 4 ½ feet off the floor. This shelf contained diapers, wipes and of course, enter the star of this tale…bag balm.

As I hurried to dress and get ready, he took apt advantage of his time. He pushed a “kiddy” table we had over in the corner of his room under the diaper shelf. He then set a “kiddy” chair on top of the table. He then proceeded to climb on top of this tower he created to obtain the salve in question. I would have loved to actually see the whole scene unfold. By the time I came back…about 10 minutes later all I saw was a table, not where it’s supposed to be, a chair placed where it doesn’t belong, and a tiny figure in the middle of the room, facing the wall saying in a low voice “I can’t see!” In front of him sat a nearly empty tin of bag balm, which had been nearly full.

As I looked at him, I could see the problem immediately. He had slathered himself so thickly with the bag balm that his eyes were nearly glued shut with it. His hair was covered so thickly that he looked like a baby bird that had just hatched from his shell, dripping with his protective ooze! But that was just the beginning.

As I looked around the room I could see he had wasted no time in his Bag Balm Escapade. He had put a nice sheen on his wooden headboard with the goo, which by the way lasted for several weeks. He also slathered a lot randomly around the rug, which also lasted for weeks despite lots of elbow grease. Many toys were covered. We discovered that if you grease the axles of matchbox cars with bag balm it makes them go faster. However, if you grease the track of battery operated trains it gums them up and the train doesn’t like to go.

Because he didn’t eat a good breakfast and kept saying it tasted “yucky” I called Poison Control. They told me that Bag Balm causes diarrhea. We can definitely attest to this. However, because he covered himself from head to toe so well, he did not develop any of the nasty rashes that frequently accompany this malady!

My advice for getting Bag Balm out of rugs and a child’s hair is very simple: Lather, rinse and repeat. In the meantime live vicariously through your little greaser and think back to a simpler time when all you had to do to be cool was to plaster your hair to your head.

If you are looking for a fountain of youth, or just to maintain that youthful glow, Bag Balm can’t be beat. My son’s usually radiant complexion was doubly so.

To get bag balm out of sippy cup lids I found that scalding hot water melts the stuff away and won’t do any harm to those sippy cups that are often lost in Sippy Limbo under couches and chairs left undiscovered for weeks to ferment.

Of course our little acrobat has fully recovered and the traces of his adventure have long since been scrubbed away. He does not have a kiddy table in his room any longer, now that we know he can use it as an implement of mischief. He still has a diaper shelf, despite our attempts at potty training (another episode!). However, now there are only diapers and wipes and some Bob the Builder underpants placed on this shelf. Perhaps the lure of forbidden fruit will work in our favor this time.





Kimberly Mihelich